Thursday, August 26, 2010

Thoughts on Pregnancy or... Birth Control For The Weak-Hearted or... Things I'd Post On Facebook But I Think You'd Judge Me

1. I was under the mistaken impression that an unborn child couldn't keep you up all night.
In reality, I feel like this:
All the time.

2.  It used to seem logical that if you were exhausted at 9 PM, you could probably go to bed.
In reality, exhaustion at 9 PM is really just your body playing a cruel trick because really, right before you fall asleep, you'll bounce back and be full of energy until about 3 AM at which point you've read enough about the Salmonella crisis to finally peel your eyelids off your hairline and consider nodding off.  Oh, and that Camomile tea (which I haven't been able to sleep one night without) will make sure that you're up again around 5 AM.  And wired.  Because who can sleep after three nightmares in a row about a missing nursery and nowhere to put the baby?  (Why THIS bothers me is a bit confusing... we know we won't have a nursery so it's a moot point.  Wouldn't my brain be more entertained with anxiety over birth or car seats?)

3.  If a pregnant woman's appetite is supposed to be justified by the phrase "eating for two," I'm taking it upon myself to release this PSA to all expecting women.  Sometimes baby invites thirty friends over for a dinner party, and you'll be expected to feed them all.  NOW.  Gd help anyone who gets in your way.

4.  I was also certain until recently that the baby could not get a hold of bricks and Leggos until after the actual birth.  But, having reviewed human anatomy and finding nothing that could possibly be so hard and stabby as what's sticking out of my tummy, I'm convinced that somebody's providing toys to baby.  And I'm thinking of suing.

Thank Gd for new shoes, new makeup, (so at least I don't look quite as bad as I feel) and a hubby who's learned very quickly that when I stop using full sentences, he's going to be in charge of dishes that night.

And when I never managed a full sentence in the first place, we'll be ordering pizza.


Ohev Kelev said...

Hilarious :)

בשעה טובה (insert exclamation point at the end..typing in Hebrew means that punctuation not followed by a roman character mysteriously floats to the beginning of word. Since your child is currently learning Torah 24/7 from an angel, perhaps s/he could give me some inside information as to why that happens)

ur quick chek coffee date said...

funniest post ever!!


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