I went to an AMAZING speech this week given by John Loftus. He's an Irish Catholic from Boston (yay) who worked for the CIA and got so disillusioned that he wound up calling them out on all the stuff they were doing wrong. He wound up leaving and becoming the lawyer for whistle-blowers who want to do it legally. He was such an impressive speaker, talking about the ridiculousness of some of the moves our government has made and the real history of groups like Hamas, which was founded by the Muslim wing of the Nazi party. He gave the whole breakdown and history of the various terrorist groups around Israel. It was insane.
Loftus also spoke about the American "news" and how frequently major networks fall for propaganda and sell it as news. Makes you wonder where to look to get your news...
He does a radio show and talked about some of the news agencies that give unbiased, researched reporting. Of course, I couldn't catch the name of any of them. What do you go to? I no longer trust any American news stations, or CBC, BBC...
John Loftus also wrote a book called "The Unholy Trinity: The Vatican, the Nazis, and the Swiss Banks" that I'm dying to read (secret obsession with the Vatican, as an ex-Christian) and he also wrote a book called "The Secret War Against the Jews" which, of course, would never be accepted if it was written by a Jew but he's Irish Catholic YAY!
Check out this incredible man at http://www.john-loftus.com/
or www.intelligence-summit.org for his non-profit organization.
Here in our little home in Sarasota, FL, much conversation centering around my imminent flight back to Jerusalem... and whether I'll be on it.
My mind changes about, oh, every day. It's just dangerous enough to completely freak out my mom without actually being dangerous enough to be a deterrent for going back. My friend Malka says I should stop trying to make the decision emotionally and decide *intellectually* what it is that I'm looking for in these next few months.
Number 1 is easy: proof of Judaism. By hell or high water. My best friend says she'll go storm the Polish consulate for me to get the long-lost birth certificate I need. This girl will do anything to be able to get drunk off bubbly at my wedding ASAP. This is why we love her. If the Poles are uncooperative, it's a full conversion for me (*sound the death walk*).
Numbers 2-200 are harder. Learn to keep a kosher kitchen. Connect artistically and get inspiration. Grow. Be challenged. Find direction (I think I'm starting to sniff it out, believe it or not). Figure out what issues I have with frumkeit and address them. Read. A LOT. Get in better shape. Eat more fresh fruits and veggies. See theater.
I learned this Shabbos that I can do the challah, the kugel, the cholent, and the chicken (as long as nobody turns off the oven while my food's in it). Oh, and the carrot cake was bomb. The 6 braid still alludes me completely and I need something more exciting that I can cook.
I got SO BURNED OUT in Israel. And of course. The class schedule is intense, and my situation is already stressful. Plus... it's Israel. But I'm losing focus over here and I don't think it's just that I'm on vacation.
And I miss my friends. And my bed. And my books. And my black fuzzy boots. And I want to see everyone that's now engaged.
Ok I still haven't done anything intellectual. I'll have to go work on that...
I love having this opportunity to look back on my week. I can't believe last Shabbat I was in Jerusalem. Omri and I were supposed to be in a Jewish settlement in the West Bank but wound up, on Friday afternoon (which is insanely late) changing our plans because our host was unwell. I was a little happy to be changing our plans because coming back from the Gush and getting to the airport all motzei Shabbat (Saturday night) made me very nervous. Turned out that we went to war with Gaza over Shabbos and, although I know my host and his town is fine, it would have been a security nightmare to get back into Jerusalem in time to get to the airport!
Now I'm home. The first two days I was here I had huge jet-lag and was watching the news every five minutes. It was stressful and miserable. Finally my brother broke me out of it with a huge amazing heart-to-heart (he's so good at that) and we all had a big talk--my mom, stepdad and Ben--about how it was so hard for me to make them go out of their way to accomodate my religious needs (like keeping kosher and Shabbat) on top of how difficult those things were for me the first time back, making my way around an un-kosher kitchen. They listened and reassured me that they knew it would be a little work but they were happy to do it. They are all really amazing loving people. I feel a lot better, despite needing to email my halacha (Jewish law) Rabbi about two times a day to ask how to fix a mistake. Hopefully he will get a break now!
I'm forcing myself to not make a decision about whether to go back. I feel that it would still be safe if I was willing to stay in my neighborhood and not go to the mall anymore. I think that Omri would be happier at home which is hard for me because I think that right now I'd really like to be in Israel. At the end of the day, I don't have enough infomation and I need to see what this operation in Gaza looks like in about a week. It's hard to let such a huge decison remain undecided but its probably a healthy exercise for Omri and I who generally prefer to decide everything years in advance.
Yesterday mom and I went to the seaside to tovel my dishes (dunking them in open water which makes them kosher). It was fun and goofy and she took great pictures which I'll post up after Shabbat! She said she was wondering what passers-by would think we were doing and she decided the most likely answer they'd come up with was that we were homeless lol
Today I cooked a huge Shabbos meal for everyone. It was SO much fun. Here's the menu: 1st course: gefilte fish, homemade challah, hummus, and salad 2nd course: chicken soup with noodles 3rd course: potato kugel, roasted chicken with veggies, baked sweet potato 4th course: homemade healthy carrot cake
And there's cholent for tomorrow!
I LOVE LOVE LOVE cooking all day. It's so relaxing and rewarding and fun. I can't wait to have a house of my own to operate like this.
Last Shabbos we had a Shabbaton (a community Shabbat) with Midreshet Rachel v'Chaya. My roommate Rebecca gave a beautiful d'var Torah and there were a lot of students speaking about the Torah portion. It was really great. Unfortunately I was pretty sick but it was nice to have all my meals just down the street with people I knew. We had a bunch of girls sleeping in our apartment because one of the school's apartments is too far to walk. It was cool to have everyone together. It was also my last time seeing a few of the girls who went home this week. Weird to see another changing of the guards here at school. The dynamic changes so much.
Chanukah began on Sunday night. I was a little nervous, because last time we had a holiday in Jerusalem I found it to be totally stressful and overwhelming. (That was really because I was in charge of placing the girls for all their holiday meals, but I associated it with the holiday.) Chanukah is such a beautiful holiday... all about acknowledging the miracles around us and being grateful for them. We commemorate the military victory over the Greeks... but the miracle we remember is the oil that burned for 8 nights. The Greeks were defeated militarily, but more importantly they were defeated spiritually. They wanted to wipe Judaism out, but on Chanukah they failed.
There were a lot of Jews that wanted to be like Greeks. They gave up their Jewish names, clothing, and traditions to fit into Greek culture. Had all Jews done that, there might not be be Judaism today. Last night Omri and I went to a hotel to visit with some college students on the same trip he did last summer. After living in Israel for six months and being surrounded by people who made their decisions based on Torah, it was so interesting to see people who made their decisions based largely on Western culture and Hollywood. They were amazing... it's so cool to see people who are just starting to ask the big questions and to hear what they are confused about, what they like, what they don't like...
Omri and I also saw our Rabbi (Rabbi Lawrence) who was here on a trip with the JEC. We skipped class and went up to the seminary where his students were in class and sat with him for hours going over all the things on our mind. He helped us by showing us what is not worth worrying about because it's out of our control. It was great to see him.
Other than that, Omri and I have spent a lot of time together going downtown, seeing Jerusalem during Chanukah. It's really beautiful. I got to do my holiday shopping and we went from the most secular area with bars and teenagers and fancy stores to the most religious areas. They're a ten minute walk from one another, and worlds apart.
I'm all packed and can't wait to be home! I leave right after Shabbat so it will be interesting over Shabbat trying to focus on being in the present and not packing or planning for the trip.
My Rabbi at NYU recently responded to my request and sent me copies of some lectures he gave and articles he used to a Jewish artist fellowship. Writing out my email in response to his articles gave me some clarity about the issues on my mind in the arena of Judaism and art, so I thought I'd share them here...
While I am interested in all aspects of the art world, the bulk of my experience is with acting and the issues with Jewish arts are distinct in this case. So while my personal questions relate also to directing and writing, I'm mainly focused here on the issues that present the Jewish actor.
Rav Feinstein's tshuva was the hardest to read of all the articles I received. (Rav Feinstein writes that it's a problem to be in a play as they often portray illicit relationships or take acts like murder lightly.) While it seems pretty far-fetched to say that if I play a murderer I'm going to think that that's okay and go out and murder, what he says has a foundation in (of course) Judaism and (perhaps more surprisingly) acting theory.
In our Mussar class we are studying Rambam's writings on Mussar (I need to find out exactly where this comes from). Recently we read his idea that to change our bad middos (character traits) we need to practice the other extreme, many times, over a long period of time. The example given is that a miserly person should give a bit too much until they have balanced out and are generous, but neither miserly nor a spendthrift.
In my training I heard over and over that action begets feeling and feeling begets personality. Be on time. Always be on time. Even for things that really don't matter--because it will help you to become--to change into--a punctual person. On stage, we see the same idea. Isn't the classic director's line, "again"? There's good reason for that. Repetition of a phrase and gesture internalize the feeling until the feeling comes freely with the action (hopefully in time for performance). Very Pavlovian. So my biggest issue with the concept of a Jewish actor playing in a show that defies Torah values is that I've seen no logical argument that can "disprove" this concept that the repetition of this part won't have a bad impact on the character of the actor.
My second question is the issue of priorities. Am I a Jewish actor or a Jew who acts? (Or directs, writes...) Do I take what I have learned from Judaism and bring this fresh perspective back to my stage, or do I re-learn to view the stage from this new perspective of a religious Jew? Priorities state the latter, but I'm unsure if that's the best use of me. Perhaps, as a religious Jew, I find a religious obligation to engage in "secular" theater (I don't really think such a thing exists... artists are avidly religious in their own way). This needs more thinking.
My final problem is the position of theater artist within a community. Community is very important in Judaism. As an artist, my learning always showed me that the artist/storyteller/clown was the position of the outsider or "other." The artist is in the classic position of just beyond the walls of the home, looking in on the family. Or in our case, just outside the eruv, looking in at the community :) Does this unique position afford the artist the "luxury" of maintaining absolute purity, avoiding the stage and it's inherent grime? If our position is to reflect back truth to others, then when it's not a nice truth we maintain our obligation to reflect. This makes us a vehicle of something base... and if actions beget feelings and feelings personality... it follows that we then become base. I have met some very unhealthy actors who always chose to play unhealthy characters. There's no coincidence there. It seems to me that Hashem chooses His artists carefully. (While everyone is artistic to some degree, not everyone is the Artist/the outsider/the Enneagram Type 4... whichever label works.) He knows that this makes us somehow different, impatient with the status quo. Again, if we are designed differently, where does this leave us in terms of the community?
In response to the NYU Rabbi's ideas about the need for Jewish organizations to provide a substantial link between Judaism and art... for sure there is something much richer in Judaism than Jewish a-capella will ever provide, as nice as it is. Jewish art has more potential than an event of a group of Jews who happen to be doing art together. And I think the students must know that. I recently told my Rosh Midrasha in a meeting that I had trouble thinking of leaving theater because, before I got to Israel, actors were the most spiritual, searching people I'd ever met. The issue arises, I think, when you find one truth conflicting so drastically to another. I see "truth" in Shakespeare. And I think it conflicts with the truth I see in Torah (this needs more thought, also).
Probably good to go to bed now. Just a few thoughts that need to be muddled through. Wish me luck!
Friday, December 19, 2008
Hello again!
This week was another doosy. I am slowly slowly getting over a killer cold/flu bug that I caught just a few days after getting over last week's sickness. The germs here are Powerful. It's like they know they're in the Middle East and have to be fighters.
But that negative news leads me into good news!! I will be going home for TWO WEEKS! My gorgeous, wise, and endlessly charismatic mother and amazing and generous stepfather are coming to the rescue over my poor mental and physical health and bringing me back to the Florida sunshine to recuperate for a few weeks. It is badly needed and will be so great in terms of catching up and sharing all this AMAZING knowledge I've been getting here.
This week we talked about one of my favourite Jewish concepts. In Judaism, time is not really considered linear. It is considered cyclical and progressive... imagine a coil or slinky. Every year we pass through the same "areas" of time--around the New Year is a time for renewal and repentance, Tisha B'Av is a time of destruction and mourning, and Pesach/Passover is a time of freedom. The beautiful thing about this is not moving forward, but moving backwards. The rabbis say, Pesach isn't when it is because that's when we escaped from Egypt. We escaped from Egypt because it was Pesach--the time of freedom. I don't know if I made this sound so cool but it's really cool when the right person explains it!
What else..
The music is playing over the loudspeakers to let the Jerusalemites know that Shabbat is coming in soon.
I also wanted to say a really amazing thing about our rabbis. It seems simple, but whenever someone drops something in class, the Rabbi stops his class and gets it for them so that they can take notes. To contrast this to a university class... I could never imagine a University professor stopping class to pick up a dropped book for a student. They would usually see that as beneath them or demeaning. These Rabbis never hesitate to take the opportunity to help a student learn better... they love to do the good deed. It's a really beautiful thing and, since we have a few pretty clumsy girls in school, one that I get to see quite a lot :)
Finally, this $50 scam on Wall St (apparently about 49 billion of that was Jewish money) has really been hard on the Jewish community. Yeshivas, universities, and seminaries like where I am are all feeling the hurt. We are trying to be extra careful with our use of heating and electricity to make sure we don't spend any money we don't really need to. It's crazy that these things happened one on top of another. I hope that one day I have lots of money and can donate it to my school because they work so hard on such a shoestring budget and they really turn peoples lives around in such an amazing way... its so admirable.
We have a Shabbaton this weekend... the whole school is staying at the two apartments in our neighborhood and we are having speakers and activities and big group meals. I'm really excited to hear my roommate of 5 months, Rebecca, give her D'var Torah (speech on the Torah portion). She's going to be amazing! And she gets extra points for her adorable Australian accent :)
Shabbat Shalom everyone! I hope you get some rest and reflection time and are all prepared to begin the next week refreshed and reinvigorated! I have more "r" words if you want them...
Oh, last thing! I finished editing a book for a rabbi in the neighborhood. It's all about recognizing G-d's hand in our lives, especially when we are faced with difficulties. It's been a great read and a lot of fun. And after 260+ pages, I'm pretty excited that I actually finished!!!
http://similarminds.com You are a Guide, possible professions include - career counselor, psychologist, educational consultant, special education teacher, librarian, artist, playwright, novelist/poet, editor/art director, information-graphics, designer, HRM manager, merchandise planner, environmental lawyer, marketer, job analyst, mental health counselor, dietitian/nutritionist, research, educational consultant, architects, interpreter/translator.
http://www.personalitypage.com Possible Career Paths for the INFJ: * Clergy / Religious Work * Teachers * Medical Doctors / Dentists * Alternative Health Care Practitioners, i.e. Chiropractor, Reflexologist * Psychologists * Psychiatrists * Counselors and Social Workers * Musicians and Artists * Photographers * Child Care / Early Childhood Development
CareerFitter.com (this is just about every job ever...) Computer programmer Computer software designer Data base manager New market or product conceptualizer Research and development specialist Strategic planner Systems analyst Biomedical engineer Cardiologist Neurologist Pharmacologist Psychiatrist Psychologist Attorney Business analyst Economist Engineer Financial analyst Investment analyst Judge Management consultant Manager News analyst News writer Academic curriculum designer College faculty administrator College professor Historian Mathematician Researcher Architect Artist Editorial writer Inventor Photographer Writer
So I don't know if this will last beyond this week but who knows. I thought it might be nice to try to write a weekly email before Shabbat (Jewish Sabbath) to update my friends and family about life here in Jerusalem. I was trying to blog but blogging is weird because if you don't know who you're talking to how do you know what to write?
So, this week wasn't quite the average week at my school. It was actually pretty stressful! During the week we have (by my last count) 22 classes a week-a few of which repeat two or three times a week and are only counted once. So we are in class steadily from 9 AM to anywhere from 5:45 to 9 PM depending on the day. On Thursday we are out early for our required chessed project (chessed means kindness--we choose a sort of community service project. Some girls do things like working in soup kitchens or tutoring kids with special needs.) I help out with the daughter of my Rabbi who had her first two children right away when she got married. She manages fine but going over is definitely helpful. She is just as helpful to me as I may be for her. I hang out with the babies or do dishes and she answers all sorts of questions for me about Judaism, motherhood, etc.
Anyway, this week one of my teachers was alone at home with her youngest because her husband and another son were in America to help move a family member into a nursing home. Her youngest is an eight year old with autism and it's hard for her to be there alone. So a friend of mine and I traded off nights staying over and keeping her company and helping with her son. This is theoretically a really easy one but somehow I found this chessed very stressful. I had also just moved rooms and aquired a new roommate so I was really longing to sleep in my own (new) bed! Anyway, I think we managed to be helpful so that's the important part.
This week one of the things we're learning about is anger and bearing a grudge (both of which are against Jewish law). It's really interesting to see how people react to being told that they need to give up their grudges. It reminds me of being in middle school when me and my friends all felt that what made us strong was that once we were crossed we never forgave. Now I realize that that was weakness. The lowest level is to let yourself be walked all over. The next level is to hold a grudge and defend yourself. The highest level is to realize that you can't stand in that person's shoes and that you must ultimately find a way to forgive them.
On Wednesday we had an extra fun day. We went on a tiyul (field trip) to the Neot Kedumim Biblical Nature Reserve and we saw what the land would have looked like during the days of the earlier Jewish settlers--during the time of the Maccabees and the Chanukah story. This was about the 2nd Century BCE which is actually quite far into the story of the Jews in Israel. It's amazing how long we've been here and what a miracle it was that we could come back--and within 5 years of the Holocaust. Imagine what a difference it would have been if Israel had become a state just a few years earlier. 6 Million Jews and their legacies would never have perished.
After that we had a party for two girls who finished studying one of the books of the Prophets (all in Hebrew! They also studied the commentaries in Hebrew!). One of the girls just lost her mother so it was done in her honor and we had a big meal to commemorate the end of shloshim (the first 30 days of mourning, which have the strictest restrictions).
I've also been working on proofreading/editing a book by a Rabbi in Har Nof which is GREAT but I had forgotten that I had another week to proofread and got very stressed, thinking I only had a few days. I wound up catching the MRC virus by Thursday and stayed home all day.
This morning I got to go help out around my friend Malka's house to help her prepare for Shabbos--and this is the first Shabbos that Omri and I will be going to her! We're stoked to get to spend Friday night with them. And Saturday we have a really cool Shabbat lunch that Omri lined up.
Final note: halfway through this email we got a knock on the door. The woman next door apparently just had a baby and this is her first Shabbat with the new baby. Although the entire community came to bring her food, nobody had time to help her with dishes and tidying, which she's too exhausted to do. Her friend came and knocked on our door to see if anybody was available to help. Luckily, I had time so I got to go over and meet some of her family and see the baby and do some more dishes. She felt awful for accepting help, which is too bad, because it's fun to help and she deserves it. Anyway, I love this community when I see how much people care about everyone else. Her friend was so sweet for coming over and asking for one of us to go help--she would have herself but she has her own family to cook for. Oh, and they invited me to their shalom zachor (welcome party for a new baby boy) tonight. So sweet.
Ok, time to change and do hair and makeup.
Shabbat Shalom!
Kate
PS Now that I see how long this email is I feel kinda bad sending it out to some of the friends I was going to. I'll post it to the blog and just send to immediate family :)
Ok so daddy dearest recommended that I think about my priorities in a job and see if that helps me make a decision. Actually he said it in a much fancier way... I need to "rank my decision criteria." Woah.
The only problem with this is that, just like my career preference, my priorities in a job also change constantly. Sheesh.
Maybe I'll just write out a few possibilities to see where it gets me...
Opportunity to further my education, helping others, having my own say to a large degree, flexible options for mothers, a job that leaves me feeling good at the end of the day, creative opportunity, working with people I respect and can learn from, working with people with good values, time off, good pay, time off in the summers, not too much more schooling, an "organized" day, ability to take off time and/or change careers without having invested so much that I'm stuck...
So I know I shouldn't be worrying about it right now. I have the rest of my year here in Israel to continue to explore who I am, what I care about, what I stand for, what strengths I want to employ, and what kind of environment I want to spend my days in. This is no time to be worrying about where I'll be next Fall.
So you tell that to my subconscious.
So just to get it out of my head and onto "paper" and make Julia Cameron proud... Here, in no particular order, is the nonsensical, unconnected, and ill-researched list of careers battling it out in my mind whenever a teacher takes a pregnant pause:
1. Go back to the world of my last job: Jewish non-profits.
Pros: kosher food, easy access to Rabbis and learning, generally a supportive environment, no issues with Shabbat or holidays, clearly a subject that holds interest with me, more likely to be on the laid-back side and definitely a cause I can get behind. G-d willing I'll be getting married in the not-incredibly-distant future and this job is likely to give me enough peace of mind to focus on building a home and accepting stray socks on the floor.
Cons: I have trouble being excited about any job that requires no specific education from me. Unless I'm using my year in Israel (which is very doubtful) then I have no specific training in Jewish non-profits other than my half-year spent there. I'd rather do something that either uses my degree (Drama) or requires additional training from me, partly because then I'm not as likely to be working with other people who just walked in off the street. Also, the non-profit world can be the biggest headache and has no advantages when it comes to compensation. Little opportunity to create any programming or give much input. Lots of mind-numbing tasks.
2. Teach for America
Pros: Giving back to NYC, teaching, generally getting off earlier in the day, summers off, decent pay, challenging, no commitment to "becoming a teacher," another cause I can get behind. Personally in control of lesson plans, projects, etc. Plus I'm a geek for school, so I'd probably like that. A chance to explore a field that would be VERY good for my lifestyle. Amazing benefits in the long term.
Cons: Headaches and heartbreaks. Horror stories from the teachers and horror stories on behalf of the students, stuck with a largely undertrained teacher. Stress and frustration during what might be the first year of my marriage which is not something I want to bring into my home.
2a. Get a masters in teaching
Pros: All the good stuff about teaching, but bypassing the inner-city potential nightmare.
Cons: Making a commitment to a field I don't know. Slightly less noble than doing TFA.
3. The Theater World
Pros: Amazing people. Using my degree. A field I love. Literature, lighting, acting... love it. Wouldn't get that nervous feeling of regret I'd get going into any other field. Constant change of scenery (no pun intended). Working with people who are asking questions. Authentic people. Different jobs. Constant learning. Working project-to-project means I can take time off when I want and have kids when I want.
Cons: I have no idea what this really means... the Theater World? I don't want to act anymore. I'd love to direct. I'd love to be involved with a company. Maybe write. I don't want to do anything that requires me being in on Shabbat (lights, stage management). No pay, no consistency, much less experience backstage than onstage. Lots of people who are twisted and value-less.
4. Go back to school and pursue a Psych PhD or a PsyD. Pros:Becoming an expert in a field that is interesting to me. Furthering my education. The opportunity to counsel and teach at a uni level. Having an impact on the field of mental health. A job that wouldn't specifically make it difficult to make aliyah should I ever go crazy enough. Counseling can be good money. Helping people.
Cons: A LOT more school. Very competitive. Lots of horror stories about being a woman/becoming a mother in such a competitive field. Would have to invest in a post-bacc, only after which would I have a really clear idea if this is the field for me.
4a. Go back to school and pursue a Masters in Counseling or a MSW.
Pros: helping people, interesting field, get to go back to school.
Cons: again, making a commitment to a field before I know for sure how I feel about it. Might still need to get a post bacc. Only working one-on-one when I enjoy teamwork.
...and this is where I almost always come to the point of, "Thank G-d I have several months to learn and grow and change before I need to make this decision!" Which I guess was the point from the beginning.
But any ideas, advice, or good jokes would be appreciated.
I went to an AMAZING speech this week given by John Loftus. He's an Irish Catholic from Boston (yay) who worked for the CIA and got so disillusioned that he wound up calling them out on all the stuff they were doing wrong. He wound up leaving and becoming the lawyer for whistle-blowers who want to do it legally. He was such an impressive speaker, talking about the ridiculousness of some of the moves our government has made and the real history of groups like Hamas, which was founded by the Muslim wing of the Nazi party. He gave the whole breakdown and history of the various terrorist groups around Israel. It was insane.
