The Toolbox

One concept in Jewish thought that I always liked is written about beautifully in the book Woman to Woman (which is based on a series of lectures by Rebbetzin Esther Greenberg).  Basically, the idea goes like this: if you were a construction worker with some kind with an intelligent foreman for a boss, you could show up at work one day and, based entirely on what is in your toolbox and where you are, figure out what you are meant to do that day at work.  Of course, we are the worker and Gd is the foreman.  Our gifts and passions are within our toolbox and our life's circumstances are the setting.  


Ok, now that I've butchered that I can move on.  


I was recently fortunate to spend a Shabbos meal with some NYU students, including a woman who recently graduated from the same theater program I went to.  We discussed our shared feelings of conflict over being theater artists who had become passionate about our Judaism.  We came to term our Torah learning a "wakening of the sleeping giant."  Inconvenient, but ultimately not something one can ignore.  There's a giant in the room.  An awake one.  That changes the situation.


So here we are, albeit still in two somewhat different places, trying to figure out this delicate balance between our creative gifts and passions and the indescribable beauty of Torah and a Torah lifestyle.  


And I think it is starting to be time to check out that back burner which has been caring for my artistic soul for the last two years while I've explored a new part of myself.  


While I am happy with the choices I've made and certainly wouldn't take anything back, I am inarguably in a different place than I ever expected to be.  


Mentsch tracht, Gott lacht. (Yiddish proverb- Man plans and Gd laughs.)


Forget the Orthodox Jewish bit (if you can fit that pink elephant into the corner for a moment, thank you).  How about the married bit?  The imminently arriving BABY bit?  The--dare I say it--living in SUBURBAN NEW JERSEY bit?


This was not the plan.  And I'd spent a good decade crafting this plan.  And I spent much of the last two years trying to craft a NEW fabulous plan that would make this all fit neatly together.  Way to learn the lesson, self.


And yet, I wouldn't change a thing.  No, this is not the route to my Oscar.  Nor are we buying our one-way tickets to Israel any time soon.  How unglamorous of us.


On the other hand, I am currently engaged in the single most creative act known to mankind.  THIS SECOND.  And this one. 


It's time to accept that this is not the workplace I anticipated.  The needs of the world I live in now are not the needs I thought I would one day fill.  What I have to offer will not be received the way I had planned out.  Nu?  It's taken me two years to come to terms with this?  I've been observing this phenomenon for all this time without swallowing that pill (which ultimately I don't think is even such a bad pill to swallow!).


It's time to look into the toolbox, get a good lay of the land, and start building.

Blessings

Happy Snow Day! (Good to be a teacher!)

So it's been a while since I've written anything. I was so excited to go in and teach and blog about this exciting challenge. And I'm still interested in doing so. But I'm caught over whether I'm comfortable blogging about that HERE, where, since this blog has history, I'm pretty easily identifiable. Not that I'd ever consider blogging anything to identify my students or anything like that... it's just one of those Haredi grey areas that makes me nervous.

Which pretty much points to exactly what I am trying to learn from my husband. We moved to our town with the express plan to surround ourselves with people one step--or, in most cases, many many steps--ahead of us. The thinking being, if we become complacent in our avodas Hashem we will at worst fall into peer pressure to--what? For him, to make it to minyan. For me, to up my level tzniut. It could be worse. I'd rather be uncomfortable that people would know I keep up to date on some unforgivably bad TV shows than be embarrassed not to be up on the latest fashion trends.

And I think our logic is good. But he seems to have been able to integrate that logic. Yes, he's surrounded by people who are futher ahead, but that's just the end goal. And for now, our avoda is to slowly, steadily progress towards that goal. Not to don the black hat and fool everyone, but to grow to make Hashem proud. Not the neighbors.

Ok, so that's that. Why I haven't blogged, and why this blog still doesn't have a particular slant. Maybe that will keep it boring enough that nobody will bother to stumble upon it and I have nothing to worry about :)

So. The real reason I wanted to write is that I'm finding so many parallels these days between my acting training and Judaism that I wanted to get them down on--well, not paper. To get them down. Or out.

I am, BH, very fortunate to have an amazing phone chevrusa with my old chevrusa from seminary. We are learning Rebbetzin Tzipporah Heller and Sarah Yocheved Rigler's book, Battle Plans. I highly reccomend it--and I highly reccommend it in the context of chevrusa learning. Just dont' take mine.

And we reached Battle Plans #45 and 46 which both deal with the issue of "forbidden thoughts." As the authors write, "the Torah prohibits thoughts such as anger, lust, jealousy, hatred, and judgemental reflections."* So, one may ask, now we're supposed to run our thoughts with constant intention? Impossible! Here: don't think about the pink elephant. See? Their explanation of the classical responce evoked many many classes from the Atlantic Theater Company (see if any yogis are out there). In short, the battle plan is to notice you are having a "forbidden thought" and gently and nonjudgementally turn your mind to something else. Suddenly I got another of my Former-Life-Meets-Present-Life lightbulb moments: this is why I had hours and hours of this drilled in my head while in downward dog or deep breathing exercises. Notice your thoughts have strayed, don't judge, and gently turn them back to ____ (your breath, your line, your intention, etc.).

And I let my yetzer hara tell me that I can't stop thinking about the shopping list during davening? Please. I gotta use what skills I have.

Ok, so the Atlantic Theater Company revisited again today. Morning blessings. After various blessings over mitzvot and some mini-Torah study, we start into a string of brachot.

NOTE: This is in no way meant to be an explanation or scholarly understanding of the brachot. Just my thoughts to myself, and to you if they are of any assistance in real kavanah.

"Blessed are You Hashem our Gd, King of the universe, Who...." (and all sorts of things He does). I read once that Jews used to say these brachot as they got up. "Releases the bound," they start to get up, "straightens the bent," they stand up, etc. Here's what I got today...

"...Who straightens the bent."
(This is the hundred times my teachers have encouraged to take up all 5 feet 6 inches of height.)

"...Who spreads out the earth upon the waters."
(This is that crazy movement class where he could see from how I lay on the hardwood floor that I was uncomfortable taking up space--spread out, take up space he kept telling me.)

"...Who has provided me with my needs."
(Ok for some reason this evoked my most powerful AP Psych class--Maslow's hierarchy of needs. For some reason, after some rough years feeling a like I'd been out all night tossed on a wild ocean (or Manhattan, maybe worse) I take great comfort in this: Hashem is reminding me there is a steady roof over my head and food in the refrigerator. I thank Him and acknowledge this is not a given, knowing I have my foundation needs met. I can move up.)

"...Who establishes the footsteps of man."
(Here I see my mom's gentle example. Find your path. Find what you are here to be.***)

"...Who girds Israel with strength."
(Because once you know your path, you need His help to be bold enough to pursue it, no?)

"...Who crowns Israel with splendor."
(This evoked the image of those true do-gooders who hold their heads high, with such grace, already crowned. Our friend Noelle is a powerful example of this to my husband and I. Another way I see this is: once we find our path, we thank Hashem for being there to help us achieve it. And this can be for the individual or collectively as Am Yisrael.)

"...Who gives strength to the weary."
(So we can continue to change the world.)


Ok, y'all. Go get 'em! :)




*Side note: It makes me very happy to see the old MLA comma rules, with the comma before the "and." Anyone know if we're officially back to that?

**Basically the Artscroll translation.

***Another side note: My favorite explanation of the concept of Gehenom is that Hashem shows you the portrait that was drawn of you: of all the things you would do and who you would be in the world. The discrepancy between that vision and reality is our true "punishment."

25 Facts email going around facebook...

Ally tagged me..

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

1. I can't believe I'm actually doing this. I was supposed to be having my overseas web-cam chat with my mom but she's not answering her gchat right now so...

2. I really really love having long mornings. Getting up and writing and davening and having a good breakfast with a nice cup of tea or coffee and maybe some yoga or a long walk to school... love it. But it only happens about once a month.

3. My current dream involves moving to New Jersey. I don't know what, specifically that says about me, but I don't think it's good. At least it's a part of New Jersey that's commutable to NYC.

4. I have been with my boyfriend Omri for over two years. He lives down the street and learns in yeshiva there. It's total chance that we're so close, but I'm incredibly grateful because we get to see a lot of eachother.

5. I have about five different careers I'm interested in. Which I think means I'm not really interested in any of them. It's good that I don't need to make any big decisions as of yet.

6. I found out I was Jewish when I was 12. Now I'm an orthodox Jew living in Jerusalem.

7. Even though I've kept kosher for years, I still have to write down what time I can eat dairy again on my hand when I have meat for lunch.

8. I hate eating meat for lunch. When it's my home, it will be largely parve with a bit of dairy throughout the week with meat only on Shabbos. But I'm cheap, so I eat what they give me in school.

9. Israel has changed me in some unexpected ways. Like, I don't really like shopping anymore... it weirds me out that people just go spend money because they're bored. When I came home to visit family in Florida for two weeks over winter break, I almost cried from culture shock in the Atlanta airport.

10. I love studying Torah, but lately I haven't enjoyed learning the weekly Parshas. It really frustrates me and I'm really grateful we have a Parsha class because otherwise I don't know how much I'd really study them.

11. I used to get really depressed when I wasn't acting. I don't get that way anymore, but I will be excited when the year is over to so some kind of theater again... although probably not anything like what I used to do!

12. I love cooking. I also secretly love cleaning, and when I'm alone I sing the songs that the Disney princesses sing when they're cleaning. They're catchy, what can I say.

13. I like infants better than toddlers. There's something so incredible about connecting with someone who has no power of communication but just wants to cuddle and love on you and be comfy. Oh, and poo and spit up.

14. I love fruit so much that I will sometimes eat cake (which I don't particularly like) instead of fruit because I don't feel I've earned the fruit.

15. It wasn't until college that I realized that some people don't eat salad before dinner every night. I also learned there that some people regularly eat dessert after dinner.

16. I love bread. Can't get enough of it. When I was little, I used to eat all the restaurant bread until mom told me I'd fill up on bread then once I got my main course I was so sad that it wasn't as good as the bread. But once I ate a good amount of my main course she'd let me go back to the restaurant bread. We never ate white bread at home, that might be partly why...

17. I love helping people get ready for Shabbos. Last week I was out all Thursday night helping cook and clean, then I went back again Friday morning, then to someone else in the afternoon, and then back to my friends' to finish up. It winds up making me have to rush to get myself ready in time (and sometimes I don't manage finishing everything I wanted to do) which I know isn't really ideal but I feel like Shabbos is so much sweeter when you have to work for it. And these days, since I always eat out, I don't get to do much work for it.

18. I'm good at talking my way out of speeding tickets.

19. I love living in Israel. I'm not sure I can handle America any more after living here. And I've only done just over half the year.

20. I just got invited to the facebook group of my girl scout troop from when I was little. I didn't really keep up with anyone from Marblehead when I moved to Florida so it's kinda cool to find these people again. And I'm gonna tag some on this so that we can catch up :)

21. I love going to Disney. I'm glad my mom lives in Florida. So far I've always gotten to go to Disney on my Florida trips. They've still all been free. Hopefully that will continue! Kim and I used to go to Disney like once a month. Maybe more. I think we memorized all the rides. We'd try to find cute employees to talk to because we were bored of the rides and needed something to entertain ourselves.

22. I love wine. I'm so happy that kosher wine has evolved. There's some really impressive stuff out there. Friday night is red wine night and Shabbos lunch is white wine night.

23. I like wearing jewelry but I can't buy it. I get totally overwhelmed by all the choices and they're all so similar. So I like getting jewelry as a gift because then I don't have to think.

24. My boyfriend's parents send me the sweetest, cutest gifts ever. For Chanukah I got a gorgeous bracelet and Chanukah socks!

25. I love to entertain but I don't like being a guest at a big party unless I came with someone. I get completely overwhelmed.

Time's moving on...

Back in Israel.

Sick again. Boo.

But learning has been really really amazing. I have definitely gotten a little rusty on my text skills and need to work on that but that just takes time. We had an amazing shiur today on why evil exists that was basically a kavanah lecture in disguise. I didn't think that I was really enjoying her class but then as soon as it was over my friend and I looked at each other and were like, "woah. She just answered so many questions." It was a really good feeling.

Then we got a teaser of an impromptu shiur on the different sects of Orthodoxy which ended very quickly after getting a very funny handout comparing Chassidic to Yeshivish and Modern.

It's very weird to think that Omri will be going home so soon. I'm for sure still trying to process that. And I'm not doing very well. I'm just trying to think of all the reasons it makes sense for me to be here and him to be back in the States. I can focus more on my learning, on my friendships, I can travel more... Oy I hope I come up with some better excuses.

My Mom's Book... or, why I'm the luckiest daughter ever

My mom's book is out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's so exciting! I can't wait to read it again! And again!

And yes, that's her real name :)

Mom's book is about finding your true life purpose and living a fully realized, inspired, joyful life. She uses wisdom from many different sources and her extensive life experience from all her work with career counseling and working with large organizations. It's both inspirational and enjoyable to read--and also very practical. It's a great book for someone looking to just tune up their quality of life a little bit. A lot of what she found out with her research (she did a lot of personal interviews, my favorite part of the book) was very surprising and good to read. But I won't give it away... you'll have to buy it and see for yourself!!

My stepfather and I went to go see her speak yesterday to the local community (same place where I saw John Loftus speak--post about that below). She's a fantastic speaker and it was so great to see the way this talk came together.

I found her talk very inspirational. At one point she spoke about identifying your purpose, passions, and strengths. She gave really great ways of seeing what these things are for you.

One idea she used with purpose was--"What bothers you most about the world?" which her teacher used to say to her. I think it's funny because a lot of what bothers me is similar to her. People not being fully self-actualized. People buying into the advertising brainwash and trying to find happiness by fulfilling made-up needs. A lack of beauty in the world.

Her talk reminded me of a shiur I heard about finding your life purpose. G-d is like a contractor who puts skilled craftsmen on a building site. If the craftsmen know their stuff, they don't need the contractor on the phone all the time telling them what to do, step-by-step. He can just give them a basic layout and they'll know what to do. (The analogy being Contractor is Gd, craftsmen are Jews, and the layout is the Torah.) Sidenote: her book is from a non-religious perspective, but draws from wisdom from many sages.

dding in what my mom's saying, I came up with my own analogy: how annoyed would you be if you went an hired craftsmen (Jews), gave them a toolbox (strengths), and put them on an empty building site (their purpose), and they went and tried to use their hammer to dig a garden. The hammer doesn't really work, it's won't be particularly fulfilling, and if I was the contractor, I'd be kindof annoyed. But when we open our eyes and see what we love, what we're good at, and where we want to see change in the world, that's how we fulfill our life's purpose. (And to do this, buy her book.)

Happy Chanukah!

Wow. What a week!

Last Shabbos we had a Shabbaton (a community Shabbat) with Midreshet Rachel v'Chaya. My roommate Rebecca gave a beautiful d'var Torah and there were a lot of students speaking about the Torah portion. It was really great. Unfortunately I was pretty sick but it was nice to have all my meals just down the street with people I knew. We had a bunch of girls sleeping in our apartment because one of the school's apartments is too far to walk. It was cool to have everyone together. It was also my last time seeing a few of the girls who went home this week. Weird to see another changing of the guards here at school. The dynamic changes so much.

Chanukah began on Sunday night. I was a little nervous, because last time we had a holiday in Jerusalem I found it to be totally stressful and overwhelming. (That was really because I was in charge of placing the girls for all their holiday meals, but I associated it with the holiday.) Chanukah is such a beautiful holiday... all about acknowledging the miracles around us and being grateful for them. We commemorate the military victory over the Greeks... but the miracle we remember is the oil that burned for 8 nights. The Greeks were defeated militarily, but more importantly they were defeated spiritually. They wanted to wipe Judaism out, but on Chanukah they failed.

There were a lot of Jews that wanted to be like Greeks. They gave up their Jewish names, clothing, and traditions to fit into Greek culture. Had all Jews done that, there might not be be Judaism today. Last night Omri and I went to a hotel to visit with some college students on the same trip he did last summer. After living in Israel for six months and being surrounded by people who made their decisions based on Torah, it was so interesting to see people who made their decisions based largely on Western culture and Hollywood. They were amazing... it's so cool to see people who are just starting to ask the big questions and to hear what they are confused about, what they like, what they don't like...

Omri and I also saw our Rabbi (Rabbi Lawrence) who was here on a trip with the JEC. We skipped class and went up to the seminary where his students were in class and sat with him for hours going over all the things on our mind. He helped us by showing us what is not worth worrying about because it's out of our control. It was great to see him.

Other than that, Omri and I have spent a lot of time together going downtown, seeing Jerusalem during Chanukah. It's really beautiful. I got to do my holiday shopping and we went from the most secular area with bars and teenagers and fancy stores to the most religious areas. They're a ten minute walk from one another, and worlds apart.

I'm all packed and can't wait to be home! I leave right after Shabbat so it will be interesting over Shabbat trying to focus on being in the present and not packing or planning for the trip.

All my love,
Katie

Jewish arts and artists...

My Rabbi at NYU recently responded to my request and sent me copies of some lectures he gave and articles he used to a Jewish artist fellowship. Writing out my email in response to his articles gave me some clarity about the issues on my mind in the arena of Judaism and art, so I thought I'd share them here...

While I am interested in all aspects of the art world, the bulk of my experience is with acting and the issues with Jewish arts are distinct in this case. So while my personal questions relate also to directing and writing, I'm mainly focused here on the issues that present the Jewish actor.

Rav Feinstein's tshuva was the hardest to read of all the articles I received. (Rav Feinstein writes that it's a problem to be in a play as they often portray illicit relationships or take acts like murder lightly.) While it seems pretty far-fetched to say that if I play a murderer I'm going to think that that's okay and go out and murder, what he says has a foundation in (of course) Judaism and (perhaps more surprisingly) acting theory.

In our Mussar class we are studying Rambam's writings on Mussar (I need to find out exactly where this comes from). Recently we read his idea that to change our bad middos (character traits) we need to practice the other extreme, many times, over a long period of time. The example given is that a miserly person should give a bit too much until they have balanced out and are generous, but neither miserly nor a spendthrift.

In my training I heard over and over that action begets feeling and feeling begets personality. Be on time. Always be on time. Even for things that really don't matter--because it will help you to become--to change into--a punctual person. On stage, we see the same idea. Isn't the classic director's line, "again"? There's good reason for that. Repetition of a phrase and gesture internalize the feeling until the feeling comes freely with the action (hopefully in time for performance). Very Pavlovian. So my biggest issue with the concept of a Jewish actor playing in a show that defies Torah values is that I've seen no logical argument that can "disprove" this concept that the repetition of this part won't have a bad impact on the character of the actor.

My second question is the issue of priorities. Am I a Jewish actor or a Jew who acts? (Or directs, writes...) Do I take what I have learned from Judaism and bring this fresh perspective back to my stage, or do I re-learn to view the stage from this new perspective of a religious Jew? Priorities state the latter, but I'm unsure if that's the best use of me. Perhaps, as a religious Jew, I find a religious obligation to engage in "secular" theater (I don't really think such a thing exists... artists are avidly religious in their own way). This needs more thinking.

My final problem is the position of theater artist within a community. Community is very important in Judaism. As an artist, my learning always showed me that the artist/storyteller/clown was the position of the outsider or "other." The artist is in the classic position of just beyond the walls of the home, looking in on the family. Or in our case, just outside the eruv, looking in at the community :) Does this unique position afford the artist the "luxury" of maintaining absolute purity, avoiding the stage and it's inherent grime? If our position is to reflect back truth to others, then when it's not a nice truth we maintain our obligation to reflect. This makes us a vehicle of something base... and if actions beget feelings and feelings personality... it follows that we then become base. I have met some very unhealthy actors who always chose to play unhealthy characters. There's no coincidence there. It seems to me that Hashem chooses His artists carefully. (While everyone is artistic to some degree, not everyone is the Artist/the outsider/the Enneagram Type 4... whichever label works.) He knows that this makes us somehow different, impatient with the status quo. Again, if we are designed differently, where does this leave us in terms of the community?

In response to the NYU Rabbi's ideas about the need for Jewish organizations to provide a substantial link between Judaism and art... for sure there is something much richer in Judaism than Jewish a-capella will ever provide, as nice as it is. Jewish art has more potential than an event of a group of Jews who happen to be doing art together. And I think the students must know that. I recently told my Rosh Midrasha in a meeting that I had trouble thinking of leaving theater because, before I got to Israel, actors were the most spiritual, searching people I'd ever met. The issue arises, I think, when you find one truth conflicting so drastically to another. I see "truth" in Shakespeare. And I think it conflicts with the truth I see in Torah (this needs more thought, also).

Probably good to go to bed now. Just a few thoughts that need to be muddled through. Wish me luck!

Hello again!

This week was another doosy. I am slowly slowly getting over a killer cold/flu bug that I caught just a few days after getting over last week's sickness. The germs here are Powerful. It's like they know they're in the Middle East and have to be fighters.

But that negative news leads me into good news!! I will be going home for TWO WEEKS! My gorgeous, wise, and endlessly charismatic mother and amazing and generous stepfather are coming to the rescue over my poor mental and physical health and bringing me back to the Florida sunshine to recuperate for a few weeks. It is badly needed and will be so great in terms of catching up and sharing all this AMAZING knowledge I've been getting here.

This week we talked about one of my favourite Jewish concepts. In Judaism, time is not really considered linear. It is considered cyclical and progressive... imagine a coil or slinky. Every year we pass through the same "areas" of time--around the New Year is a time for renewal and repentance, Tisha B'Av is a time of destruction and mourning, and Pesach/Passover is a time of freedom. The beautiful thing about this is not moving forward, but moving backwards. The rabbis say, Pesach isn't when it is because that's when we escaped from Egypt. We escaped from Egypt because it was Pesach--the time of freedom. I don't know if I made this sound so cool but it's really cool when the right person explains it!

What else..

The music is playing over the loudspeakers to let the Jerusalemites know that Shabbat is coming in soon.

I also wanted to say a really amazing thing about our rabbis. It seems simple, but whenever someone drops something in class, the Rabbi stops his class and gets it for them so that they can take notes. To contrast this to a university class... I could never imagine a University professor stopping class to pick up a dropped book for a student. They would usually see that as beneath them or demeaning. These Rabbis never hesitate to take the opportunity to help a student learn better... they love to do the good deed. It's a really beautiful thing and, since we have a few pretty clumsy girls in school, one that I get to see quite a lot :)

Finally, this $50 scam on Wall St (apparently about 49 billion of that was Jewish money) has really been hard on the Jewish community. Yeshivas, universities, and seminaries like where I am are all feeling the hurt. We are trying to be extra careful with our use of heating and electricity to make sure we don't spend any money we don't really need to. It's crazy that these things happened one on top of another. I hope that one day I have lots of money and can donate it to my school because they work so hard on such a shoestring budget and they really turn peoples lives around in such an amazing way... its so admirable.

We have a Shabbaton this weekend... the whole school is staying at the two apartments in our neighborhood and we are having speakers and activities and big group meals. I'm really excited to hear my roommate of 5 months, Rebecca, give her D'var Torah (speech on the Torah portion). She's going to be amazing! And she gets extra points for her adorable Australian accent :)

Shabbat Shalom everyone! I hope you get some rest and reflection time and are all prepared to begin the next week refreshed and reinvigorated! I have more "r" words if you want them...

Oh, last thing!
I finished editing a book for a rabbi in the neighborhood. It's all about recognizing G-d's hand in our lives, especially when we are faced with difficulties. It's been a great read and a lot of fun. And after 260+ pages, I'm pretty excited that I actually finished!!!

Lots of love,
Kate