The Toolbox

One concept in Jewish thought that I always liked is written about beautifully in the book Woman to Woman (which is based on a series of lectures by Rebbetzin Esther Greenberg).  Basically, the idea goes like this: if you were a construction worker with some kind with an intelligent foreman for a boss, you could show up at work one day and, based entirely on what is in your toolbox and where you are, figure out what you are meant to do that day at work.  Of course, we are the worker and Gd is the foreman.  Our gifts and passions are within our toolbox and our life's circumstances are the setting.  


Ok, now that I've butchered that I can move on.  


I was recently fortunate to spend a Shabbos meal with some NYU students, including a woman who recently graduated from the same theater program I went to.  We discussed our shared feelings of conflict over being theater artists who had become passionate about our Judaism.  We came to term our Torah learning a "wakening of the sleeping giant."  Inconvenient, but ultimately not something one can ignore.  There's a giant in the room.  An awake one.  That changes the situation.


So here we are, albeit still in two somewhat different places, trying to figure out this delicate balance between our creative gifts and passions and the indescribable beauty of Torah and a Torah lifestyle.  


And I think it is starting to be time to check out that back burner which has been caring for my artistic soul for the last two years while I've explored a new part of myself.  


While I am happy with the choices I've made and certainly wouldn't take anything back, I am inarguably in a different place than I ever expected to be.  


Mentsch tracht, Gott lacht. (Yiddish proverb- Man plans and Gd laughs.)


Forget the Orthodox Jewish bit (if you can fit that pink elephant into the corner for a moment, thank you).  How about the married bit?  The imminently arriving BABY bit?  The--dare I say it--living in SUBURBAN NEW JERSEY bit?


This was not the plan.  And I'd spent a good decade crafting this plan.  And I spent much of the last two years trying to craft a NEW fabulous plan that would make this all fit neatly together.  Way to learn the lesson, self.


And yet, I wouldn't change a thing.  No, this is not the route to my Oscar.  Nor are we buying our one-way tickets to Israel any time soon.  How unglamorous of us.


On the other hand, I am currently engaged in the single most creative act known to mankind.  THIS SECOND.  And this one. 


It's time to accept that this is not the workplace I anticipated.  The needs of the world I live in now are not the needs I thought I would one day fill.  What I have to offer will not be received the way I had planned out.  Nu?  It's taken me two years to come to terms with this?  I've been observing this phenomenon for all this time without swallowing that pill (which ultimately I don't think is even such a bad pill to swallow!).


It's time to look into the toolbox, get a good lay of the land, and start building.

Newlyweds

Noach (alias: Omri, my husband) and I just got back from a really nice Shabbos in Monsey. Seeing a deer on Shabbos is just cool. Walking through the forest to get to shul is also pretty great. And the family that invited us, an older couple that Noach used to work with, were adorable... like having an extra set of grandparents. And I think they enjoyed having some young blood around to change up the conversation.

Beyond that... I had trouble with the size of everything. How is it possible people in Israel make do with an apartment and here we all need museums? It's so cut-off and private. And this coming from a classic introvert who likes nothing better than to be alone! But not REALLY alone, which is how I feel in a huge empty house on a huge empty lot on a huge street filled with more of the same. I can't imagine living somewhere like that and not getting the "keeping up with the Joneses" mania. I didn't get this from the people... that's just my reaction to the size of everything. But I have pretty well-documented rich people phobia. Maybe THAT'S why I feel so much more comfortable in Israel.

I'm also starting to understand the warnings about The Chutz better. Everyone always says, "don't go to Brooklyn or Monsey and think you're not living in galus." I couldn't believe anyone would actually make that mistake. But all Shabbos, I only saw two people who weren't Jewish. And I didn't see any Jews who weren't frum. That's crazy. And there's such a weirdness about it. These people shouldn't all be here. All these Jews, and so badly needed in Eretz Yisrael. And they have the ability to make the move, at least financially. It's so weird to be in America and feel like it's just all Jews. Because it is so not.

One fact always ringing in my mind is that a few years before the Shoah, a Jewish Englishman was in charge of the "Palistinean authority." Any Jew who wanted to make aliyah was allowed. And nobody did. They still had money, they still had prestiege, and they had no reason to suspect that the world would go crazy and blood-thirsty in a few years. Granted, Israel was very different then. Scattered, small communities and nothing close to the opportunities we see there today. But today we look back and shake our heads and think, "if only they'd gone when they had the chance." Today we are PAID to go to Israel. (B"H for Nefesh b'Nefesh. Here is Aish's 1 minute video on them.) They give us the flight. They help us find jobs, communities, ulpanim, apartments. They practically help us pack our bags. And yet we still have the chutzpa to stay.

I'm loving Passaic. Everyone here is growth oriented, giving, warm, and very spiritual. But I would love to know why Noach and I are in the position that we are in. I feel exiled from Israel. I think back of memories in Israel and it's as if we were living in color. Here we're in sepia. And living in color was draining, for sure. The fear was real and the stress was real, but the connection was so much more intense, and the love and joy was so much more full.

I guess that's just where I am right now. Really Missing Israel. A Lot. It comes in waves.
And while I don't really wish not being in Israel on anyone, thank Gd I get to go through this with my husband. Noach has become my channel. He is so plugged in spiritually, I just need to sit and listen to him to be inspired. It's as if he still has one foot in Jerusalem, and he's been here longer. I don't think he feels that way. I remember being on the phone with him after he'd been home a few months, and him telling me how you could feel the difference from here to there. That it was palpable. I remember my heart sinking, as I was already full of fear about the move back to the States.

Maybe I should just refocus on the piles of laundry and stuff that need to be decluttered from this house. Noach's friend Meir always says how a mentor of his said that you have to be zoche to live in Israel. So maybe this time can be about building us up to be people that don't just take from Israel but find a way to give to Israel.

Ah, before I go. Wedding pictures are up. Our photographer, Max Orenstein did an incredible job capturing an incredible day. Here are his highlights. Here's one of my favorites:

Aish Heroes of Israel/Zichron Yaakov

Aish.com has a 1 minute video series called Heroes of Israel. I highly recommend watching! These videos are beautiful and inspirational... and TRUE, which is always nice :)

Home again sick. Back to the blog and the internet...

It's been bothering me that I wasn't able to put together my dreams of living on a coast in a home with big windows in a place with good weather with my dream if living in Israel. I know this is a beautiful country, so it bothered me that when I wanted a visual home-in-ten-years fantasy, I always had to turn to American shorelines.

Thank you, Nefesh b'Nefesh. Their communities page helped me brainstorm and come up with a new home fantasy. Today I fell in love with Zichron Yaakov. It actually reminds me a lot of Sarasota, just in the right country. The houses are beautiful, and, because they're not in Jerusalem, not quite as expensive as I would have thought. It was exactly the boost I needed to re-focus on a long-term goal of coming back here to stay.

Some of the images I liked:

New things and old things...

I love PostSecret.
I want to live in Israel.
Every Jewish holiday intimidates me as it comes, but I love it once it arrives.
I miss connecting to my davening.
I love our teachers.
I'm engaged now and I'm still not used to having a ring on that finger.
I'm in hiding from family politics.
I miss yoga.
And painting.
There is nowhere in the world that compares to Jerusalem.

Trip to Eilat and the Negev Desert!!!

(I have a bad habit of posting twice in a row. Just under this is my post about my trip home to Florida, Rosh Chodesh Shvat, and Michelle's Vort... so don't neglect it just because I have a bad posting schedule please!)

One of the things that was pointed out to me this year that's particularly incredible about Israel is that, unless you have personal ties outside the country, you never really have to leave. Want history? We got it... the best, oldest, and richest in the world. Want culture? Whatever you want... museums, culture, dining, it's all here and you can have it--kosher or treif, whatever your preference (I hope kosher). Want a tropical vacation? Eilat's beaches are some of the best in the world. Or you can check out Tel Aviv's beach. Nightclubs, hiking (desert mountains or lush tropics, your call), more activism and community service than I've ever seen, more PhDs per capita than any country in the world, advanced technology, great education, oceans, lakes, deserts, SKIING even. The holiest and the most secular. All in a country that would fit inside New Jersey.

I don't even want to think about comparing the offerings of Israel to those of New Jersey.

I'd never been to Eilat before and I was completely blown away. First off, from one mountaintop (where Lynn gave a shiur on emunah [faith] and we said the whole book of Tehillim [Psalms]) we could see Jordan, Egypt, and Saudi Arabia in one eyefull. Insane.

The trip really should not have been called the Eilat Tiyul but "Eilat and the Negev" because we spent most of our time hiking in the Negev desert. Now, I thought, oh, MRC "hiking" is nothing. Usually their version of "challenging" means "maybe don't bring grandma." But this was more like scaling a cliff. There were for sure times I just couldn't look down because we were literally climbing a peak and it sloped down at as much as an 80 degree angle on either side. Two hours of it. The second day the hike was just as long but less climbing and more walking and it was also incredible. The first hike was in Machtesh Hagadol ("The Great Crater") and the second day was in the Eilat mountains. Let me see if I have some good pictures to illustrate:

This one gives you a good idea how steep the hike was. Say hi to Sarah! Note the Rabbi's daughter barely hanging on just behind her. This hike was like an advertisement for hiking shoes with good traction. I have no IDEA how we didn't just keep slipping right back down. (If you click the picture you can see it larger... some of these are hard to see so small.)
How gorgeous is this? I can't believe how tiny we are!
Again, showing steepness. Note that this is not the "climbing" part, this is just the straight up walking part. The climbing, which was about a good third of the hike, required pulling ourselves up with our hands.
A break on our way up the mountain. Notice what we are about to climb, in the top center of the picture. THAT'S why we're taking a break!
Amazing view.
The way back down was a lot easier, but still... insane.
Teeny tiny sem girls on a huuuuuge boulder.
This is from the second hike. More walking, more breathtaking views, a bit less rock climbing.
Me and my shnookums after the second day's hike. We did it!
Note that my pictures are only from when my hands are free and I'm not about to faint... so the hike was a lot more intense than even this!

After two days of really hard hiking, it was so incredible to be on the beach, lying out. Leia and I were beach buddies and we had an amazing time. We got Heinekens, laid out in the sun, then went SNORKELING!--so amazing--then got ourselves some ice cream while we dried off. Perfect beach day. They played music over the loudspeakers and it was all just us girls in our own private bit of beach.

Then we went to the Eilat Hesder yeshiva, Ayelet Hashachar where we heard Rabbi Rothkopf talk about his experience of bringing Torah to a totally secular, separated (by miles of desert) town. The whole place is very small and it's had a religious explosion. What's really cool about it, he told us, was that you have all these different "branches" of Orthodoxy all getting along there. Someone could wear a Nachman kippa, daven Chabad, and donate to Hesder while learning at yet another yeshiva. That's not something you see in a lot of places... it's really incredible.

After a trip like that all I want to do is make aliyah. This country is just so incredible, you can't help but love it. And I know that any possibility is far off in the future, but it can't hurt to start thinking now! I definitely got a nice wake-up call when I found out that my old roommate, Noelle, has moved to South Africa to continue her work with Keep a Child Alive (check out her blog at http://sanibonasouthafrica.blogspot.com/). And here I'm hesitating about the time I'm spending here, the Jewish homeland, when the best, most life-changing part of my life has been growing and developing as a Jew? Where people actually SPEAK the holy tongue and the greatest Torah minds walk the street with you? I literally had these insane dreams about it last night and couldn't even function this morning because it was getting to me so much. I stayed home and did what I always do when I'm stressed. I did my laundry.